My eggs might really be done

I know I haven't posted here forever, mostly because I've been busy raising my happy, healthy almost 3-year-old. When he was born I said "that's it" to any more pregnancies. Having a successful pregnancy after many losses was amazing, but also really hard in a lot of ways. We just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. We couldn't plan ahead for a baby, because history showed us over and over that it might not happen for us. So we didn't look any farther ahead than our next appointment. Are we pregnant...is the sac in the uterus...is there a heartbeat, and so on. Then miraculously the weeks turned into months and then into trimesters. Once we hit the point of viability we started to have a glimmer of hope. Even then, it wasn't until our son was a year old that I actually started to believe that nothing bad was going to happen. The rug had been pulled out from under us too many times before.

But then time passed, and we started to think that maybe, just maybe, we should try for a second. Crazy, right? We had the occasional well-timed oops on the birth control. Then we actually went back and did another IUI last fall. Nada. We got pregnant on our own in the spring, but it was over not long after it started. We tried for another IUI with a higher dose of meds last month, but it got cancelled since a follicle on my blocked tube side took off right out of the gate and none of the others had any chance of catching up. And now I'm in my mid-40s. Even though my follicle count and hormone levels aren't acting my age, my egg quality (their guess as to why I kept miscarrying) is. Some people probably wouldn't even risk another pregnancy at my age, but my gut says to try. Odds are it won't work, but I think DH and I both need the closure. And my insurance cut me off a while back, since my policy said they don't have to cover any procedures that have less than a 5% chance of live birth, so money-wise we can't keep doing this forever either.

So we're trying one last time (for real) this month. The IUI is tomorrow morning, and I'm excited and scared. I'm excited because by some miracle this might work. After all, my great grandma had her last baby at 47, and my RE tells me my hormone levels are the best he's ever seen in a woman my age. And I'm scared because it is really hard to say goodbye to the idea of having more biological children when you really want them. (We are talking about exploring other options for growing our family, but just want to get through this before we talk any more about those.)

On the other hand, it is fan-freaking-tastic that there is finally an end to all of this. I went through my closet today and threw a ton of stuff into recycling...business cards from a variety of people at the various RE/acupuncture clinics I went to, pro/con lists DH and I had made before any of our big fertility treatment decisions, advice from the waste-of-time acupuncturist I went to (No gluten for you! No Diet Coke for DH!), old calendars that monitored ever freaking stage of my cycle for months and months... I also found a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" that I should probably donate but secretly want to toss into a bonfire in the backyard along with all of my other why-you-aren't-having-a-baby books. Fertility treatment makes you spend a lot of time thinking inward (what's that? is it my period? is it an early pregnancy symptom?), and I'm so glad this stage of my life is finally coming to an end.

Our miracle is here

Our son was born August 8. It's been a month, and I still can't believe he's really here. I'll try to update with photos later, but in the meantime, all are healthy and doing well. We are truly blessed.

36.5 weeks

I just wanted to stop in with a quick update. All is going well, and our Bean is due to arrive in 3.5 weeks. I still can't believe it. They are estimating that he's 6 lbs 15 oz already, so I don't think he'll be a small baby.

29.5 weeks!

Wow, I can't believe we're here! There's not much new, which is good news. It just feels like this pregnancy got put on fast-forward. We have so much to do to prepare for our Bean, and I feel so behind!

We're feeling his kicks get stronger every day, it seems like. I never get tired of feeling him move.

24.5 weeks...

Wow, I can't believe I'm already 24 1/2 weeks! We found out at our ultrasound last week that The Bean’s kidney with too much fluid got worse, so they are referring us to a pediatric urologist at the local children’s hospital. I was pretty upset at first, since when I asked the OBGYN how worried we should be he said he honestly didn’t know, since it wasn’t his area of expertise. But after I talked to one of the docs at the hospital and he assured me that babies with this condition generally do well and live long healthy lives I felt much better. They got us in for the “first available” appt., which isn’t for a month. They won’t actually do anything for our Bean until after he’s born--if anything (such as surgery) is needed--but they want to meet with us ahead of time so that if he does need surgery we’re not meeting with these docs for the first time right after I give birth. I really don’t have a lot of information about all of this, but just plan to bring a long list of questions to our appointment at the end of May.

Other than that, he looks good and is measuring on track. We were very happy to see him again, and got a 3-D ultrasound this time. Oh, and the nesting instinct is kicking in big time. I never thought I'd be able to do anything before he's born, but now we're actually talking about ordering a crib (we can get a discount if we order before May 15). I think it's how I deal with any anxiety I have about The Bean. Whenever I start to get nervous, I research nursery decor!

It's a Boy!

Well, we had our 20-week ultrasound last week and we're having a BOY! Of course, I'd be just equally happy if we were having a girl. It's just so exciting to know more about our Bean.

Our appt. wasn't without some worry...there was a little extra fluid in one of the kidneys, which they said could be a soft marker for Down Syndrome. I guess soft markers show up all the time in kids with the average number of chromosomes too, so they told us to try not to worry too much. My first tri genetic screening came back negative for Down Syndrome, as did my quad screen. However, the bloodwork part of my quad screen was positive for Down Syndrome and no one told me. (My doctor was out so I saw someone else in the practice, but I'll be giving my doc an earful next time I see him.) The dr. we saw at this visit told us odds are our baby is fine. We know we're going to love him like crazy no matter what, but it would be nice to know before he's born if he may have special challenges. I just can't bring myself to do an amnio at this point. It just seems too invasive.

Other than that I can eat again, and am actually getting to the point where I may have to start keeping an eye on my diet so I don't go too crazy. Mostly, I'm just starting to believe that someday I might really get to meet my SON!

19 weeks, 3 days

Ok, I'm the worst blogger ever. I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted an update. I'll spare you any complaints about nausea and vomiting, since I was grateful to have those symptoms--I just wish they hadn't lasted until I was about 18 weeks pregnant. But again, I'm beyond grateful to still be pregnant so I'm really not complaining (too much).

Things continue to go well. We had a quad screen at 15 weeks which came back good enough that we again opted not to have CVS or an amnio. Oh, and we finally felt comfortable enough to start taking belly shots. The above one is of me at 18 weeks.

On Wednesday we'll have our 20-week ultrasound. We're both so excited, nervous, and hopeful. I'm so excited to know the gender since it'll make things seem more real to know this bit of information about our Bean. But also anxious to find out if everything else is developing normally.