My eggs might really be done

I know I haven't posted here forever, mostly because I've been busy raising my happy, healthy almost 3-year-old. When he was born I said "that's it" to any more pregnancies. Having a successful pregnancy after many losses was amazing, but also really hard in a lot of ways. We just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. We couldn't plan ahead for a baby, because history showed us over and over that it might not happen for us. So we didn't look any farther ahead than our next appointment. Are we pregnant...is the sac in the uterus...is there a heartbeat, and so on. Then miraculously the weeks turned into months and then into trimesters. Once we hit the point of viability we started to have a glimmer of hope. Even then, it wasn't until our son was a year old that I actually started to believe that nothing bad was going to happen. The rug had been pulled out from under us too many times before.

But then time passed, and we started to think that maybe, just maybe, we should try for a second. Crazy, right? We had the occasional well-timed oops on the birth control. Then we actually went back and did another IUI last fall. Nada. We got pregnant on our own in the spring, but it was over not long after it started. We tried for another IUI with a higher dose of meds last month, but it got cancelled since a follicle on my blocked tube side took off right out of the gate and none of the others had any chance of catching up. And now I'm in my mid-40s. Even though my follicle count and hormone levels aren't acting my age, my egg quality (their guess as to why I kept miscarrying) is. Some people probably wouldn't even risk another pregnancy at my age, but my gut says to try. Odds are it won't work, but I think DH and I both need the closure. And my insurance cut me off a while back, since my policy said they don't have to cover any procedures that have less than a 5% chance of live birth, so money-wise we can't keep doing this forever either.

So we're trying one last time (for real) this month. The IUI is tomorrow morning, and I'm excited and scared. I'm excited because by some miracle this might work. After all, my great grandma had her last baby at 47, and my RE tells me my hormone levels are the best he's ever seen in a woman my age. And I'm scared because it is really hard to say goodbye to the idea of having more biological children when you really want them. (We are talking about exploring other options for growing our family, but just want to get through this before we talk any more about those.)

On the other hand, it is fan-freaking-tastic that there is finally an end to all of this. I went through my closet today and threw a ton of stuff into recycling...business cards from a variety of people at the various RE/acupuncture clinics I went to, pro/con lists DH and I had made before any of our big fertility treatment decisions, advice from the waste-of-time acupuncturist I went to (No gluten for you! No Diet Coke for DH!), old calendars that monitored ever freaking stage of my cycle for months and months... I also found a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" that I should probably donate but secretly want to toss into a bonfire in the backyard along with all of my other why-you-aren't-having-a-baby books. Fertility treatment makes you spend a lot of time thinking inward (what's that? is it my period? is it an early pregnancy symptom?), and I'm so glad this stage of my life is finally coming to an end.

Our miracle is here

Our son was born August 8. It's been a month, and I still can't believe he's really here. I'll try to update with photos later, but in the meantime, all are healthy and doing well. We are truly blessed.

36.5 weeks

I just wanted to stop in with a quick update. All is going well, and our Bean is due to arrive in 3.5 weeks. I still can't believe it. They are estimating that he's 6 lbs 15 oz already, so I don't think he'll be a small baby.

29.5 weeks!

Wow, I can't believe we're here! There's not much new, which is good news. It just feels like this pregnancy got put on fast-forward. We have so much to do to prepare for our Bean, and I feel so behind!

We're feeling his kicks get stronger every day, it seems like. I never get tired of feeling him move.

24.5 weeks...

Wow, I can't believe I'm already 24 1/2 weeks! We found out at our ultrasound last week that The Bean’s kidney with too much fluid got worse, so they are referring us to a pediatric urologist at the local children’s hospital. I was pretty upset at first, since when I asked the OBGYN how worried we should be he said he honestly didn’t know, since it wasn’t his area of expertise. But after I talked to one of the docs at the hospital and he assured me that babies with this condition generally do well and live long healthy lives I felt much better. They got us in for the “first available” appt., which isn’t for a month. They won’t actually do anything for our Bean until after he’s born--if anything (such as surgery) is needed--but they want to meet with us ahead of time so that if he does need surgery we’re not meeting with these docs for the first time right after I give birth. I really don’t have a lot of information about all of this, but just plan to bring a long list of questions to our appointment at the end of May.

Other than that, he looks good and is measuring on track. We were very happy to see him again, and got a 3-D ultrasound this time. Oh, and the nesting instinct is kicking in big time. I never thought I'd be able to do anything before he's born, but now we're actually talking about ordering a crib (we can get a discount if we order before May 15). I think it's how I deal with any anxiety I have about The Bean. Whenever I start to get nervous, I research nursery decor!

It's a Boy!

Well, we had our 20-week ultrasound last week and we're having a BOY! Of course, I'd be just equally happy if we were having a girl. It's just so exciting to know more about our Bean.

Our appt. wasn't without some worry...there was a little extra fluid in one of the kidneys, which they said could be a soft marker for Down Syndrome. I guess soft markers show up all the time in kids with the average number of chromosomes too, so they told us to try not to worry too much. My first tri genetic screening came back negative for Down Syndrome, as did my quad screen. However, the bloodwork part of my quad screen was positive for Down Syndrome and no one told me. (My doctor was out so I saw someone else in the practice, but I'll be giving my doc an earful next time I see him.) The dr. we saw at this visit told us odds are our baby is fine. We know we're going to love him like crazy no matter what, but it would be nice to know before he's born if he may have special challenges. I just can't bring myself to do an amnio at this point. It just seems too invasive.

Other than that I can eat again, and am actually getting to the point where I may have to start keeping an eye on my diet so I don't go too crazy. Mostly, I'm just starting to believe that someday I might really get to meet my SON!

19 weeks, 3 days

Ok, I'm the worst blogger ever. I can't believe it has been so long since I've posted an update. I'll spare you any complaints about nausea and vomiting, since I was grateful to have those symptoms--I just wish they hadn't lasted until I was about 18 weeks pregnant. But again, I'm beyond grateful to still be pregnant so I'm really not complaining (too much).

Things continue to go well. We had a quad screen at 15 weeks which came back good enough that we again opted not to have CVS or an amnio. Oh, and we finally felt comfortable enough to start taking belly shots. The above one is of me at 18 weeks.

On Wednesday we'll have our 20-week ultrasound. We're both so excited, nervous, and hopeful. I'm so excited to know the gender since it'll make things seem more real to know this bit of information about our Bean. But also anxious to find out if everything else is developing normally.

12 weeks 2 days

Our 1st tri screening yesterday went really well! My risk for trisomy 13/18 is the same as a 28-year-old's, and my risk for Down Syndrome is the same as a 33-year-old. Based on that they are just recommending that we do another bloodwork screening between 15-18 weeks, but they don't recommend anything else for the time being.

The Bean was measuring right on track (actually a day ahead). I didn't get to see him/her much b/c I couldn't see the u/s screen, but DH had a better view and got to see a lot more. They showed me the baby at the end, but by then it was done moving so I just got to see it lying stil.

I'm still just in such shock that this one might really make it. I'm not sure when it will sink in!

10w4d and counting

I'm sorry I've been so bad about posting an update. My long-prayed-for nausea is in full swing, so I've been lying still a lot lately and have been online a lot less.

We saw my OBGYN last week at 10 weeks. He did bloodwork, etc., but wasn't planning on doing an ultrasound until I pressed for it. So he ended up doing a quick one--we got to see our little Bean moving around in there, which was amazing. It was measuring 3 days behind, which really upset me at the time since it's been 100% on track up until then. But the OBGYN reassured me that plus or minus a few days is OK at this point. I hope he's right.

We go in on Feb. 4 to see a genetic doc for our first trimester genetic screening. Considering my age, that's our next big hurdle.

Other than that, I still wake up every day in shock that I'm still pregnant. The nausea/vomiting is reassuring, but I think I've finally hit the breaking point where I'm going to have to ask my doc for some drugs. I've been trying to avoid them, but last night I was up until 7 a.m. because I felt too sick to sleep. Plus I can't keep my prenatal vitamins down (I started taking folic acid separately since that doesn't seem to make me vomit). I feel so guilty when I complain about feeling bad. If this little guy makes it, it will be so worth it!

our best ultrasound ever...

Today we saw our little bean measuring right on track at 8 weeks, with a good strong heartbeat of 164. We are still in happy shock. I've never had a 100% good u/s before! We got released back to my obgyn (also a first), and we see him in 2 weeks.

We're trying to remember that there is a long road ahead and a lot that can still go wrong, but are feeling so hopeful. The RE said considering my age (42) our next big hurdle is genetic testing.

There seems to be confusion about the SCH/bleed...the u/s tech we saw last week saw one. The tech this week saw what she thinks might be a non-developing 3rd sac (the thing we saw at the first u/s) and a fibroid, but no bleed. The RE said no exercise, but I'm OK for normal activity otherwise.

Our little one has a head, and arm and leg buds. I'm just in awe.

and then there was one...

I had u/s #2 today, and it was good news and bad news. The bad news is that baby #1 had a yolk sac but no fetal pole, so they are certain that it won’t make it. I asked if that was a blighted ovum, but they said those don’t usually have yolk sacs. So I guess this one just stopped developing at some point. #2 looks right on track sizewise, and had a yolk sac, fetal pole, and hb of 123, which they said was good. I am trying to stay positive, but feel like at the last u/s they both looked good. Now it’s one. Will it be none next time? I also have a bleed (SCH), which I’m scared to Google. The u/s tech made it seem like with my history I should really take it easy. The RE nurse said not to stress, that in her 6 years that none of her patients have ever miscarried b/c of an SCH. Of course, I realized later that she never sees anyone after about 8 or 9 weeks since they all get released back to their regular gynos. I’m not sure, but I think the SCH was what the last u/s tech saw and thought might be a 3rd sac. This tech just saw the 2 sacs plus the SCH, nothing else.

So we're just trying really hard to stay calm and positive until my ultrasound next week. I'll be so grateful if I have even one healthy pregnancy with my history, but I think I need a day or two to grieve the loss of the other pregnancy. Seeing it taken away so fast after looking just fine last week reminds me that it could happen to the remaining one too.

Oh, and I don't think I wrote about this, but a night or two after my post the nausea hit hard. No vomiting yet, but I feel really bad a lot of the time. It has been so reassuring. I never thought I'd be this happy to feel this bad!

it's a two-fer...

So we got our u/s Friday. It was 5 weeks 2 days since my IUI. Baby A was measuring 5 wks 1 day. Baby B was 5 weeks 2 days. Yes, it's twins!!! We're so excited, but so cautious since we're only seeing sacs at this point and I have a horrible track record with all of this. We're going back on the 29th, which should tell us more.

There was a 3rd thing that the u/s tech labeled "???? 3rd sac?", but my RE isn't convinced that it was actually a sac so we're just keeping an eye on it.

We were so shocked since we thought we only had 2 mature eggs with one on the bad tube side, but the tech said I had 1 or 2 others that probably caught up before the IUI.

I was over the moon happy on Friday. Today I'm trying to enjoy it, but already worried that real morning sickness hasn't kicked in yet. I just want some sign that this pg. is different and that these two will stick!

good beta #3

Our numbers almost doubled for beta #3, going from 445 to 875. We get our first ultrasound on Friday, just to confirm it's in the uterus. Fortunately, I'm not having the same kind of cramping I had with my ectopic, so that gives me hope about that. We're just taking it test by test still and trying not to think too far ahead.

bfp.....

Well, the results are in. I tested out my trigger, then started getting lines again over the weekend. We confirmed the BFP with betas on Monday and Wednesday this week, and so far so good. I go for beta #3 tomorrow.

It's so hard to know what to feel. This is my 4th pregnancy since January of this year alone. Part of me has so much faith that this will be the one. The other part hopes I just stay pregnant through the weekend since I have a baby shower to go to and it'll be way easier if I'm still pregnant. Loss definitely puts a weird spin on pregnancy. We're just hoping for the best.

no more stomach shots!

LAST STOMACH SHOT TONIGHT! I can't even tell you how excited I am. I went for blood and u/s this a.m. Left (good side) has an 18mm follie. Right side is 17.5. There are also a couple in the 12-14 range, I think.

The schedule is: one more stomach shot tonight (DONE!), trigger tomorrow evening, then IUI Wednesday morning.

I'm a little worried about too many of the smaller follies catching up before Wed. am (they grew a lot in the 3 days between friday and today), but am keeping my fingers crossed for the best. DH isn't sure he can give me my trigger, so I might see if they can do it at my clinic.

slightly stimulated

CD6 results are in.

I have one follie on the blocked tube side that is 11.5mm. There is a 10mm one on the good tube side. There are also some little 9mm guys, some of which might catch up.

I'd rather have 1 follie on the good tube side than have too many and have to cancel, so I'm happy with the results so far.

I'm going back Monday for another u/s, which I assume will give us a lot more info.

I'm just counting down the days until we are done with shots. Tonight is shot #4, so from what I understand it'll be 3-6 more after that.

#*@&@&#$

So I'm sitting here crying with my Follistim and I just can't make myself take the shot.

I have gotten pregnant on my own 6 times. What is this really going to do for me? I really am starting to feel like we've been through enough.

And WTF is with the side effects listed in the booklet? I know if the shoe was on the other foot there is no way DH would be taking the shots.

Maybe ART just isn't for us.

just in time for thanksgiving...the turkey baster!

Well, we finally have a plan. RE#2 and my insurance co. are on board with me doing an IUI with injectibles next cycle, so that's the plan. Now I'm just hanging out waiting for AF to start so we can get this party started. And trying not to chicken out about giving myself shots. Or having my husband (who faints at the sight of blood) do it.

I know a lot can go wrong. Too many eggs = no IUI. Just one egg on the blocked tube side probably means no IUI either. I tried to explain what an IUI is to my Mom. To simplify, I told her it's basically the Turkey Baster method, but done in a dr.'s office. Funny that if all goes well we'll be Turkey Basting Thanksgiving weekend.

you know you've been ttc too long when...

...you have to start a blog to express your deepest emotions and fears because your online buddy group no longer feels anonymous enough.

what not to say to an infertile couple...

I’m completely sympathetic that people don’t know what to say to someone struggling with infertility/pregnancy losses. Especially since I used to be one of them back before I had my own fertility issues. I’d mutter out an embarrassed “I’m so sorry,” and that was about it. I’d feel bad that I didn’t have anything more comforting to say to express how truly sad I was for the couple. Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, turns out I shouldn’t have been embarrassed. “I’m sorry” is exactly the right thing to say. And if you and the couple are both religious, “I’m praying for you” is nice too. And here, as a PSA, are the WRONG things to say:

1. “Just relax” or “Stop trying so hard” Ask anyone struggling with infertility what they like to hear least from friends and family and this is usually it. It puts the blame of infertility of the couple since they just aren’t “relaxed” enough. Victims of rape and incest get pregnant, and I doubt they were relaxed. I rest my case. And as for not trying so hard? I’m over 40 and have a blocked tube from an ectopic and 6 pregnancy losses. Some of us DO have to try so hard.

2. “If it’s meant to be it will happen” This one just annoys me. Would you say this to anyone else going through a tough time? Example: “My daughter is in the hospital in a coma.” “Well, if she’s meant to live it’ll happen.” See what I mean?

3. “At least you can have fun trying (wink wink)” I’m trying for pregnancy #7 with no living children. “Fun” went out the window a long time ago. Plus, this is especially creepy coming from male relatives.

4. “Don’t have kids” This one always comes from the exasperated parents of several kids. This is especially painful because A) they were able to have kids easily and B) they don’t seem to appreciate them. Believe me, if I ever become a parent I know I’ll need to vent too. Just please don’t do it to us right now.

5. “Are you pregnant????” Don’t ask someone struggling with infertility if she is pregnant—it’s just mean. If she looks pregnant it could be weight gain due to infertility treatment, depression, or from her hormones being out of whack after losses. Or, if she IS pregnant and hasn’t told you, it’s because she realizes all too well that she might not stay that way. Please wait for her to tell you when she's ready.

6. “Guess what? I’m pregnant! 5 weeks already! And I just got a BellaBand, and we’re naming the baby Sam if it’s a boy…I just know it’s a boy…and I just got some maternity clothes from my neighbor and they’re SO cute, and we’re painting the nursery green, and….” I’m happy for you. I really am. But I remember the early pregnancy excitement all too well and it’s just a painful reminder that after 6 losses I’ll never be able to be that excited about an early pregnancy again. So share your news gently with me (preferably privately rather than making me be part of a group announcement), and if you save your decorating discussions for someone who can handle it more than I can right now I’ll do my best to be a good friend and give you the support you deserve from me when it comes to the important stuff.