I know I haven't posted here forever, mostly because I've been busy raising my happy, healthy almost 3-year-old. When he was born I said "that's it" to any more pregnancies. Having a successful pregnancy after many losses was amazing, but also really hard in a lot of ways. We just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. We couldn't plan ahead for a baby, because history showed us over and over that it might not happen for us. So we didn't look any farther ahead than our next appointment. Are we pregnant...is the sac in the uterus...is there a heartbeat, and so on. Then miraculously the weeks turned into months and then into trimesters. Once we hit the point of viability we started to have a glimmer of hope. Even then, it wasn't until our son was a year old that I actually started to believe that nothing bad was going to happen. The rug had been pulled out from under us too many times before.
But then time passed, and we started to think that maybe, just maybe, we should try for a second. Crazy, right? We had the occasional well-timed oops on the birth control. Then we actually went back and did another IUI last fall. Nada. We got pregnant on our own in the spring, but it was over not long after it started. We tried for another IUI with a higher dose of meds last month, but it got cancelled since a follicle on my blocked tube side took off right out of the gate and none of the others had any chance of catching up. And now I'm in my mid-40s. Even though my follicle count and hormone levels aren't acting my age, my egg quality (their guess as to why I kept miscarrying) is. Some people probably wouldn't even risk another pregnancy at my age, but my gut says to try. Odds are it won't work, but I think DH and I both need the closure. And my insurance cut me off a while back, since my policy said they don't have to cover any procedures that have less than a 5% chance of live birth, so money-wise we can't keep doing this forever either.
So we're trying one last time (for real) this month. The IUI is tomorrow morning, and I'm excited and scared. I'm excited because by some miracle this might work. After all, my great grandma had her last baby at 47, and my RE tells me my hormone levels are the best he's ever seen in a woman my age. And I'm scared because it is really hard to say goodbye to the idea of having more biological children when you really want them. (We are talking about exploring other options for growing our family, but just want to get through this before we talk any more about those.)
On the other hand, it is fan-freaking-tastic that there is finally an end to all of this. I went through my closet today and threw a ton of stuff into recycling...business cards from a variety of people at the various RE/acupuncture clinics I went to, pro/con lists DH and I had made before any of our big fertility treatment decisions, advice from the waste-of-time acupuncturist I went to (No gluten for you! No Diet Coke for DH!), old calendars that monitored ever freaking stage of my cycle for months and months... I also found a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" that I should probably donate but secretly want to toss into a bonfire in the backyard along with all of my other why-you-aren't-having-a-baby books. Fertility treatment makes you spend a lot of time thinking inward (what's that? is it my period? is it an early pregnancy symptom?), and I'm so glad this stage of my life is finally coming to an end.
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Hi there! I'm Heather and I was wondering if you would be able to answer my question about your blog! My email is Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)
ReplyDeleteI had my TL a little more than a year ago when my third child was born via c-section. I was not told ANYTHING about the possible side effects of having this proceedure. Since then I have experienced heavy bleeding lasting sometimes 3 weeks out of the month, weight gain, severe mood swings. Severe cramping, changes to my libido, severe depression accompanied by suicidal thoughts, headaches, migraines, many new symptoms & older issues are now exacerbated. The father of two of my children doesn't want me anymore. I've become too much of a pain in the ass I guess. We don't talk. We don't sleep in the same bed. I think he might really think I am crazy... & maybe I am. I feel crazy a lot of the time.
ReplyDeleteI'm unpredictable. I feel so angry about the whole thing & now what was once a mild fear of doctors has exploded into full on white coat syndrome that causes me to have a panic attack/hypertensive emergency (severe increase in blood pressure) whenever I have to deal with them. I'm not sure what to do... I fear the next time I have to see a doctor I'll have a stroke or a heart attack from the stress & anxiety of it... what do I do? I take my time and keep searching on internet looking for natural healing that how I came across Dr Itua herbal center website and I was so excited when Dr Itua told me to calm down that he will help me with his natural remedy I put my hope on him so I purchase his herbal medicines which was shipped to my address I used it as prescribed guess what? I'm totally healed my cramp pain is gone completely I also used his Anti Bacteria herbal medicines it's works for me very well I want anyone with health problem to contact Dr Itua herbal center for any kind diseases remedies such as Parkinson, Herpes, ALS, MS, Diabetes, Hepatitis, Hiv/Aids,Cancers, Men & Women Infertility, I got his email address drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com he has any kind of herbal remedies for women & men also for our babes. I really miss my Hunni...he's a fantastic father & a good man. He doesn't deserve this. I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be.