and then there was one...

I had u/s #2 today, and it was good news and bad news. The bad news is that baby #1 had a yolk sac but no fetal pole, so they are certain that it won’t make it. I asked if that was a blighted ovum, but they said those don’t usually have yolk sacs. So I guess this one just stopped developing at some point. #2 looks right on track sizewise, and had a yolk sac, fetal pole, and hb of 123, which they said was good. I am trying to stay positive, but feel like at the last u/s they both looked good. Now it’s one. Will it be none next time? I also have a bleed (SCH), which I’m scared to Google. The u/s tech made it seem like with my history I should really take it easy. The RE nurse said not to stress, that in her 6 years that none of her patients have ever miscarried b/c of an SCH. Of course, I realized later that she never sees anyone after about 8 or 9 weeks since they all get released back to their regular gynos. I’m not sure, but I think the SCH was what the last u/s tech saw and thought might be a 3rd sac. This tech just saw the 2 sacs plus the SCH, nothing else.

So we're just trying really hard to stay calm and positive until my ultrasound next week. I'll be so grateful if I have even one healthy pregnancy with my history, but I think I need a day or two to grieve the loss of the other pregnancy. Seeing it taken away so fast after looking just fine last week reminds me that it could happen to the remaining one too.

Oh, and I don't think I wrote about this, but a night or two after my post the nausea hit hard. No vomiting yet, but I feel really bad a lot of the time. It has been so reassuring. I never thought I'd be this happy to feel this bad!

it's a two-fer...

So we got our u/s Friday. It was 5 weeks 2 days since my IUI. Baby A was measuring 5 wks 1 day. Baby B was 5 weeks 2 days. Yes, it's twins!!! We're so excited, but so cautious since we're only seeing sacs at this point and I have a horrible track record with all of this. We're going back on the 29th, which should tell us more.

There was a 3rd thing that the u/s tech labeled "???? 3rd sac?", but my RE isn't convinced that it was actually a sac so we're just keeping an eye on it.

We were so shocked since we thought we only had 2 mature eggs with one on the bad tube side, but the tech said I had 1 or 2 others that probably caught up before the IUI.

I was over the moon happy on Friday. Today I'm trying to enjoy it, but already worried that real morning sickness hasn't kicked in yet. I just want some sign that this pg. is different and that these two will stick!

good beta #3

Our numbers almost doubled for beta #3, going from 445 to 875. We get our first ultrasound on Friday, just to confirm it's in the uterus. Fortunately, I'm not having the same kind of cramping I had with my ectopic, so that gives me hope about that. We're just taking it test by test still and trying not to think too far ahead.

bfp.....

Well, the results are in. I tested out my trigger, then started getting lines again over the weekend. We confirmed the BFP with betas on Monday and Wednesday this week, and so far so good. I go for beta #3 tomorrow.

It's so hard to know what to feel. This is my 4th pregnancy since January of this year alone. Part of me has so much faith that this will be the one. The other part hopes I just stay pregnant through the weekend since I have a baby shower to go to and it'll be way easier if I'm still pregnant. Loss definitely puts a weird spin on pregnancy. We're just hoping for the best.

no more stomach shots!

LAST STOMACH SHOT TONIGHT! I can't even tell you how excited I am. I went for blood and u/s this a.m. Left (good side) has an 18mm follie. Right side is 17.5. There are also a couple in the 12-14 range, I think.

The schedule is: one more stomach shot tonight (DONE!), trigger tomorrow evening, then IUI Wednesday morning.

I'm a little worried about too many of the smaller follies catching up before Wed. am (they grew a lot in the 3 days between friday and today), but am keeping my fingers crossed for the best. DH isn't sure he can give me my trigger, so I might see if they can do it at my clinic.

slightly stimulated

CD6 results are in.

I have one follie on the blocked tube side that is 11.5mm. There is a 10mm one on the good tube side. There are also some little 9mm guys, some of which might catch up.

I'd rather have 1 follie on the good tube side than have too many and have to cancel, so I'm happy with the results so far.

I'm going back Monday for another u/s, which I assume will give us a lot more info.

I'm just counting down the days until we are done with shots. Tonight is shot #4, so from what I understand it'll be 3-6 more after that.

#*@&@&#$

So I'm sitting here crying with my Follistim and I just can't make myself take the shot.

I have gotten pregnant on my own 6 times. What is this really going to do for me? I really am starting to feel like we've been through enough.

And WTF is with the side effects listed in the booklet? I know if the shoe was on the other foot there is no way DH would be taking the shots.

Maybe ART just isn't for us.

just in time for thanksgiving...the turkey baster!

Well, we finally have a plan. RE#2 and my insurance co. are on board with me doing an IUI with injectibles next cycle, so that's the plan. Now I'm just hanging out waiting for AF to start so we can get this party started. And trying not to chicken out about giving myself shots. Or having my husband (who faints at the sight of blood) do it.

I know a lot can go wrong. Too many eggs = no IUI. Just one egg on the blocked tube side probably means no IUI either. I tried to explain what an IUI is to my Mom. To simplify, I told her it's basically the Turkey Baster method, but done in a dr.'s office. Funny that if all goes well we'll be Turkey Basting Thanksgiving weekend.

you know you've been ttc too long when...

...you have to start a blog to express your deepest emotions and fears because your online buddy group no longer feels anonymous enough.

what not to say to an infertile couple...

I’m completely sympathetic that people don’t know what to say to someone struggling with infertility/pregnancy losses. Especially since I used to be one of them back before I had my own fertility issues. I’d mutter out an embarrassed “I’m so sorry,” and that was about it. I’d feel bad that I didn’t have anything more comforting to say to express how truly sad I was for the couple. Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, turns out I shouldn’t have been embarrassed. “I’m sorry” is exactly the right thing to say. And if you and the couple are both religious, “I’m praying for you” is nice too. And here, as a PSA, are the WRONG things to say:

1. “Just relax” or “Stop trying so hard” Ask anyone struggling with infertility what they like to hear least from friends and family and this is usually it. It puts the blame of infertility of the couple since they just aren’t “relaxed” enough. Victims of rape and incest get pregnant, and I doubt they were relaxed. I rest my case. And as for not trying so hard? I’m over 40 and have a blocked tube from an ectopic and 6 pregnancy losses. Some of us DO have to try so hard.

2. “If it’s meant to be it will happen” This one just annoys me. Would you say this to anyone else going through a tough time? Example: “My daughter is in the hospital in a coma.” “Well, if she’s meant to live it’ll happen.” See what I mean?

3. “At least you can have fun trying (wink wink)” I’m trying for pregnancy #7 with no living children. “Fun” went out the window a long time ago. Plus, this is especially creepy coming from male relatives.

4. “Don’t have kids” This one always comes from the exasperated parents of several kids. This is especially painful because A) they were able to have kids easily and B) they don’t seem to appreciate them. Believe me, if I ever become a parent I know I’ll need to vent too. Just please don’t do it to us right now.

5. “Are you pregnant????” Don’t ask someone struggling with infertility if she is pregnant—it’s just mean. If she looks pregnant it could be weight gain due to infertility treatment, depression, or from her hormones being out of whack after losses. Or, if she IS pregnant and hasn’t told you, it’s because she realizes all too well that she might not stay that way. Please wait for her to tell you when she's ready.

6. “Guess what? I’m pregnant! 5 weeks already! And I just got a BellaBand, and we’re naming the baby Sam if it’s a boy…I just know it’s a boy…and I just got some maternity clothes from my neighbor and they’re SO cute, and we’re painting the nursery green, and….” I’m happy for you. I really am. But I remember the early pregnancy excitement all too well and it’s just a painful reminder that after 6 losses I’ll never be able to be that excited about an early pregnancy again. So share your news gently with me (preferably privately rather than making me be part of a group announcement), and if you save your decorating discussions for someone who can handle it more than I can right now I’ll do my best to be a good friend and give you the support you deserve from me when it comes to the important stuff.

never try to pick up a waitress...

Back when my friends were single and bar regulars, the guys had a rule. Never try to pick up a waitress. She's heard every line out there, and she's not going to bite so don't waste your time.

I'm starting to think the same rule applies for fighting the insurance company. They've heard it all, and whatever you have to say won't sway them.

Basically, despite my age and blocked tube, the insurance company wants me to do "lesser before greater," which means 3 cycles of IUIs with drugs before they'll think about approving IVF.

Which shouldn't be a big deal, but my RE is recommending we start with Clomid and I'm scared to death of it. After I took BCPs for a month before my fibroid surgery a little over a year ago, I started getting migraines. The headaches I could deal with, but the weird visual problems I get for about 1/2 hour before the headaches start are tough: flashing lights, floating flashing squiggly lines that cause blind spots in my vision, it was all the pits. So after thinking I was having a stroke or something else serious (I didn't know much about migraines when this all started) I spent a lot of time making the rounds between my primary care doc, eye doc, and neurologist before they got it all sorted out and determined that yep, I'm getting migraines. I'm down to 1 or 2 a month now (the 2nd month after I went off the pill I had 4 in a week and thought I'd lose my mind), and have accepted them as an fact of life for me now. I'm grateful they aren't worse (I feel like crap for a couple days after I get one (my "migraine hangover"), but the pain isn't nearly as bad as what a lot of people have. Plus, I'm one of those fortunate people whose migraines seems to go away with pregnancy (at least they have with the two 8-week pregnancies and even the chemical pg. I've had since then.)

Now comes Clomid, and its possibility of weird visual side-effects. I talked to my neurologist this week to see if I'm more likely to get them because of my history, and he said "maybe" (helpful? not so much). He said the side effects are similar to what I get w/my migraines, and if I do have problems I can always stop taking it. Easy for him to say. I talked about the people whose vision problems are perymanent, and he said it's only about 1% so not to worry. That is fine, unless you are that 1%. And I've seen posts from that 1% online, and they scare the bejeepers out of me.

The neurologist said he could write a letter to my insurance co. if I want, saying that he advises against Clomid for me, but he didn't know if that would help. And I don't know if I want him to, because what if Clomid works? And what if I don't have problems tolerating it?.

So I have my appt.tomorrow a.m. for a CD 3 bloodwork/ultrasound so I can start the Clomid, and I don't even know if I'm going to go. Or if I do go, if I can make myself take it. And I've heard the mood part isn't great, hence the nickname Clo-mood. I'm already in a funk after having been laid off in August. And having 6 pregnancies in the last 2 1/2 years. I'm really not sure I can deal with being more moody than I already am right now. Really.

I made an appt. to talk to the shrink at RE #1's office next week. I've never met her, but am starting to feel like I need some help negotiating all this. I used to be a pretty upbeat person before all this, and I'm starting to not recognize myself anymore.

ugh

Well, as expected, this pregnancy didn't go anywhere. My repeat beta was down to something like 3, and I started to bleed that afternoon.

The same day we had an appt. with RE#2, who is recommending Clomid + IUI. We're so frustrated. I thought having just turned 42 and having a blocked tube would fast-track us to IVF, but RE#2 is pretty sure our ins. co. will want us to do some Clomid rounds first.

So unless I'm one of those miracle cases that produces tons of eggs on Clomid (has anyone had that experience? Most people I know just get one.), there's a good chance I'll be doing Clomid + IUI even on months when I'm ovulating on my blocked tube side, which is pretty close to pointless.

I'll be duking it out on the phone with the insurance co. next week.

slightly pregnant

Once again, I'm slightly pregnant.

I was out of town this weeked, and got light lines on FRER on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The fact that they weren't getting any darker didn't give me much confidence, but I went for a beta Monday.

It was only 12.3, and my progesterone was only 2.

My RE is pretty sure it's a chemical pg and so am I, but I'm going back for beta #2 tomorrow just to be sure. We're also having our consult with the new RE tomorrow, so I'm hoping he has some ideas for the future.

We spent the weekend at a lakehouse with friends, all of whom don't have kids yet. A couple with kids came up for one of the nights, and it really changed the dynamic so much. We went from staring peacefully at the lake and listening to crickets to listening to kids scream, listening to their mom yell at them to not go in the water too deep, throw rocks, drown each other, run into the fire pit, set things on fire, dive off the pier into shallow water, pull hair, well, you get the idea. And these are GOOD kids. It made me wonder why we are doing all this...I love to relax. I love peace and quiet. I hate yelling. Why am I trying so hard to have a baby?

Results are almost in

We got my FSH back, and it was 8.something. Which sounded good, until we got my E2 which was 82. DH got his SA done this week too, so once those results are back we'll meet with RE #2 next week and maybe we'll FINALLY have a new plan.

We are trying naturally in the meantime, and even though I'm only 9DPO I'm already POASing like crazy.

Lots of little possibilities...

I had my antral follicle count with RE#2 on Friday. It was 21! I've heard that is really good for my age, and right in range for IVF.

We're still waiting for lots of test results, but it was nice to get some good news.

BFN, Pasta, and Bread Pudding

Well, I guess the title says it all. I got a BFN, and fell off the gluten-free wagon this weekend when we were out of town. I'm a vegetarian also, so trying to find something with no meat, fish, or wheat on the road was pretty much impossible.

Plus, knowing that this next month I'll probably ovulate from my blocked tube side made me a little less motivated. I got back on track today, though.

So our next step is CD 4 bloodwork with RE #2 on Friday (which RE #1 didn't do), plus a follicle count.

Wheat Withdrawal

Is it really day 4? It's all become one big gluten-free blur.

I've done a little more research, and near as I can tell the reason the acu wants me to give up wheat is because some studies have linked RPL to undiagnosed mild(er) celiac disease. But wouldn't it just make to test me rather than de-bread me?

A friend who has eaten a lot of gluten-free stuff because her mom has severe celiac says I won't feel as gross and bloated after I eat gluten-free pasta. I tried it, and I think the words she was actually looking for were not "gross and bloated," but:

satisfied
full
sated
satiated

I could go on, but you get the idea.

But before I go off on too much of rant against my new gluten-free substitutes, I stepped on the scales today and found out I've lost 2 pounds. It's not all bad.

Gluten for Punishment, or Day #2 with No Wheat

Super.

First I was just infertile.

Now I'm infertile and grouchy because all I've eaten all day is salads and gluten-free bread.

Here we go again

So we're trying...again. Another natural cycle, because nothing else feels right.

And because my current RE realized I'm not ready for donor eggs and says not to give up on my ovaries just yet.

We're also doing testing with RE#2, just to see if there is anything RE#1 is missing. He told me to start with baby aspirin daily, so I've added that to my routine.

I also started acupuncture. The acupuncturist says to cut wheat out of my diet completely. He basically said everything has wheat, so it's kind of hard. I'm doing research now to try to find alternatives. I got gluten-free bread at Whole Paycheck, but I found out at checkout it was $7.99. For BREAD! I also told DH that crack addicts can have babies, so I'm having a hard time believing TOAST is killing mine, but I'll try anything at this point.

I wish I could be one of those women who optimistically plow ahead. I was that woman, actually. Up until loss #4.

This month I ovulated on the "good" tube side (did I mention my ectopic rendered my right tube useless?). I'm praying for the best, but going more than a little crazy in the 2WW. Can I really have hope that the 6th time is the charm?

Where do we go from here?

Right now we're struggling with the one of the hardest fertility questions. When is enough enough? When do we finally call it quits?

I get pregnant pretty easily--5 times in the last 2 years, and that includes taking time off after methotrexate for my ectopic, and after my miscarriages, and after fibroid surgery... I hold onto that with some degree of pointless pride, as if to say "Look at me--I can get pregnant. My old eggs aren't completely useless after all."

So now, a week after my 5th pregnancy loss, 8 weeks this time, we're starting to think about next steps and I've never felt more lost. Could one more try be the elusive "good egg" we've been waiting for? Should we break down and follow my RE's recommendation for donor eggs, even though the idea of a stranger's DNA in my body feels like the most unnatural thing I could ever do? (Don't get me wrong--I think donor eggs are a wonderful option for those who feel comfortable with it. It's just no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to become one of them). Do we try IVF with my eggs, even though the success rates in my age group (41) are heartbreakingly low? I just don't know.