I’m completely sympathetic that people don’t know what to say to someone struggling with infertility/pregnancy losses. Especially since I used to be one of them back before I had my own fertility issues. I’d mutter out an embarrassed “I’m so sorry,” and that was about it. I’d feel bad that I didn’t have anything more comforting to say to express how truly sad I was for the couple. Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, turns out I shouldn’t have been embarrassed. “I’m sorry” is exactly the right thing to say. And if you and the couple are both religious, “I’m praying for you” is nice too. And here, as a PSA, are the WRONG things to say:
1. “Just relax” or “Stop trying so hard” Ask anyone struggling with infertility what they like to hear least from friends and family and this is usually it. It puts the blame of infertility of the couple since they just aren’t “relaxed” enough. Victims of rape and incest get pregnant, and I doubt they were relaxed. I rest my case. And as for not trying so hard? I’m over 40 and have a blocked tube from an ectopic and 6 pregnancy losses. Some of us DO have to try so hard.
2. “If it’s meant to be it will happen” This one just annoys me. Would you say this to anyone else going through a tough time? Example: “My daughter is in the hospital in a coma.” “Well, if she’s meant to live it’ll happen.” See what I mean?
3. “At least you can have fun trying (wink wink)” I’m trying for pregnancy #7 with no living children. “Fun” went out the window a long time ago. Plus, this is especially creepy coming from male relatives.
4. “Don’t have kids” This one always comes from the exasperated parents of several kids. This is especially painful because A) they were able to have kids easily and B) they don’t seem to appreciate them. Believe me, if I ever become a parent I know I’ll need to vent too. Just please don’t do it to us right now.
5. “Are you pregnant????” Don’t ask someone struggling with infertility if she is pregnant—it’s just mean. If she looks pregnant it could be weight gain due to infertility treatment, depression, or from her hormones being out of whack after losses. Or, if she IS pregnant and hasn’t told you, it’s because she realizes all too well that she might not stay that way. Please wait for her to tell you when she's ready.
6. “Guess what? I’m pregnant! 5 weeks already! And I just got a BellaBand, and we’re naming the baby Sam if it’s a boy…I just know it’s a boy…and I just got some maternity clothes from my neighbor and they’re SO cute, and we’re painting the nursery green, and….” I’m happy for you. I really am. But I remember the early pregnancy excitement all too well and it’s just a painful reminder that after 6 losses I’ll never be able to be that excited about an early pregnancy again. So share your news gently with me (preferably privately rather than making me be part of a group announcement), and if you save your decorating discussions for someone who can handle it more than I can right now I’ll do my best to be a good friend and give you the support you deserve from me when it comes to the important stuff.
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It's true, people really don't know what to say and so, sometimes, end up really getting it wrong, even when they have the best intentions. That's why we just started telling people (including my parents and all our relatives!) that we just didn't want children and had no plans to have any, so we'd rather just end the discussion there. And then we had a few really good laughs over their reactions!! (Mean? Maybe. But when you're going through this IF crap, you can use whatever laughs you can get.)
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you don't end up on the receiving end any insensitive comments. But if you do, just know you have a place to run and people to commiserate with, who truly understand. ((Hugs!!))
Thanks! And I know people mean well. This is just a really good place to vent when it all gets to be too much sometimes.
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